Never Place A Bet On April Fools Day
by Jackson Hanning
Summary: 3023 words of pure crack... 488 words of complete OOC-ness(blatant and intentional OOC-ness, mind you)... and one very serious case of stalker syndrom on my part. Happy April Fools Day, everyone.


_**3023 words of pure crack... 488 words of complete OOC-ness(blatant and intentional OOC-ness, mind you)... and one very serious case of stalker syndrom. Happy April Fools Day, everyone.**_

* * *

"Liz! Finally! I've been calling you all morning. You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd have thought you were avoiding me. Fortunately, I know you're a teeny bit more awesome than the kind of people who stoop to that level." A cough sounded over the line that sounded mysteriously like "coughFrancisandTonicough" "So Liz!"

"What do you want, Gilbert?"

"What are you doing RIGHT. NOW? Nothing? Great! You're coming with me!"

"Actually, I'm supposed to go-"

"Doesn't matter, you just agreed to go out with me!"

"I never agreed to anything with you-"

"You just did, Liz, and it's totally unawesome to go back on your word."

"But I never GAVE you my-"

"Shut up and come downstairs NOW! The awesome me is waiting!"

Lizzy bit back a growl as the dial tone sounded in her ear. Gilbert wasn't a very good listener when he'd made up his mind about something. And he wasn't going to go away until he got his way. Liz rolled her eyes, grabbed her jacket and her keys, and slipped out of her apartment. She dialed the number of the friend who she was SUPPOSED to hang out with today. Fortunately, Roderich knew exactly what Gil was like, and he graciously forgave Liz for having to bail from their plans today. "I understand completely Eliza. We can go to the art show next weekend."

"Thanks, Roderich. Again, I'm really sorry." Liz tucked her phone between her ear and her shoulder as she skipped down the steps to the main floor. "I'll talk to you later."

Liz ended the call and pressed through the doors into the sunshine. Directly in front of the apartment building was Gilbert, waiting in the driver's seat of his beat-up red two door, looking extraordinarily bored even though he hadn't been waiting all that long. Liz wished she would have walked slower just to keep him waiting.

As soon as he spotted her, he sat up and stared at her. "Liz, c'mon! We're gonna be late! Since you're with me, you'll be AWESOMELY late, but still! Hurry up!"

Lizzy shot him a look and didn't chance her pace in the slightest as she strolled up to the car. "Where are we going?"

"I can't tell you."

"You can't tell me, I can't go with you."

"Liz! This is kinda unawesome of you."

"Just tell me Gilbert."

"Fine, we're going to a party."

"At eleven am?"

"A birthday party."

"For who?"

"Why does that matter? It's a party and we're going."

"Who is it for?"

"Someone awesome."

"It's for you, isn't it?"

"Liz, while I very much appreciate you admitting that I am awesome, you are incorrect. It's for someone slightly less awesome than I am. Now get your butt in the car. We're going to be late."

"You know what else I'm late for?" Liz asked rhetorically as she slipped into the passenger seat. "Meeting Roderich at the art show."

"Why do you still go on dates with your ex?"

"It's not a date! It's... It's..."

"It's a date," Gilbert finished drily, checking traffic before pulling out onto the road. Liz glared.

"_Not_ a date," she stressed. "An outing."

"A date," Gilbert corrected.

Liz huffed and crossed her arms across her chest. "Whatever, Gilbert. When we like the same things, we go together so that we don't have to go alone. You know I'm not interested in him anymore."

"Does that mean you're interested in someone else?"

"Drop it, Gilbert," Liz ordered, knowing where he was headed with that comment.

"Sheesh, Liz. Someone's uptight today."

"I tend to do that when I've just been kidnapped."

"I didn't _kidnap _you!" Gilbert shouted indignantly. "You got in the car of your own free will!"

"But I don't know where we're going, or when I'll be back. I think that qualifies as kidnapping."

Gilbert rolled his eyes. "If it's that big a deal, we're going to Francis' place. And you'll be back later tonight. It's just a party, Liz, and if you don't lighten up, you're not gonna have any fun."

Liz muttered something Gilbert couldn't quite make out, but he guessed it was any number of expletives aimed at him. "Chill, Liz. You're fine."

"Thanks for letting me know. I wasn't quite sure for myself."

"Jeez, would you rather go out with your stuffy boyfriend to some lame-ass art show? I'll take you back right now. I just thought you'd enjoy a bumping party."

"Bumping?"

"It just came out, and now it's awesome. Don't question it."

Liz sighed and let her head fall back against the back of the seat. "Fine. I'll go to this party. Who is it for?"

"Why don't you see if you can guess once we're there?" Gilbert suggested, looking mischievous.

"Guess?"

Gilbert shrugged. "I'll bet you can't do it."

Liz glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "You're on."

Gilbert smirked. "We need stakes."

"Fine. When I win," Liz began. She himmed for a moment before finishing with "You have to ask Roderich to the art show."

"Liz, I know you like some kinky stuff, but I don't swing that way."

"We both know you're gay for him."

"But I'm straight for you~" Gilbert said in a sing-songy voice.

"And that's not at all creepy," she replied sarcastically.

"Whatever. When _I_ win," countered Gilbert, before humming thoughtfully. "When I win, you have to give me a kiss."

"A kiss."

"A good kiss. On the lips. Minimum of three seconds."

Liz considered this momentarily, but she was sure she could figure it out. "You're on. I win, you go on a date. You win... you get a.. kiss."

Gilbert grinned and reached his right arm out so they could shake on it.

* * *

Inside Francis' house, Liz lost track of Gilbert in about twelve seconds flat. She was fairly certain he'd disappeared in the same direction she'd heard a very distinct French laugh coming from, and knew he was going to find the rest of his "Bad Touch Trio". She had to wonder about guys (older than elementary schoolers) who gave their group of friends their own name. At any rate, Liz figured it would be easier to figure out whose party this was if she didn't have Gilbert hanging all over her, trying to foil her attempts just so he could win.

"Lizzy!" called a familiar voice. A cheerful brunet popped his head out of a nearby doorway and grinned at her. "Lizzy, hi!"

"Hi Feli."

"Happy birthday!" he shouted exuberantly. Liz frowned.

"Feliciano, my birthday isn't until the end of summer."

"I know!" he chirped, but said no more on the subject before grabbing her wrist and yanking her into the room he had come from.

Liz's eye was first caught by Feliciano's brother. Lovino was slumped against one wall, his legs splaying in front of him. One of his hands clutched a bottle of vino and the other hand held his cell phone. He looked up with a bitter scowl and blinked at Liz. "Happy-fucking-birthday, Liz. Now stop fucking staring at me."

Lizzy blinked and quickly averted her gaze. Her eyes found the steely blue ones of the German man Feliciano had curled up beside on the couch. "He is worse than usual today," Ludwig remarked off-hand. "He thinks Antonio is avoiding him. And happy birthday," he added as an after thought.

"STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT HERE, POTATO BASTARD!" Lovino screeched from the corner. Then he sighed heavily and turned his voice down a few notches from Screaming Banshee to somewhere between Pissed-As-Fuck and Angry-Mafia-Boss. "And he IS fucking avoiding me. Damn tomato-sucking asshole." Lovino took a swig straight from the bottle and pounded his index finger angrily against the screen of his iPhone. Then he started muttering about having his grandpa teach Antonio a lesson. Liz pursed her lips and looked away.

"Don't mind him. He's drunk and strangely heartbroken for some reason. But he should realize Antonio isn't even here yet." The monotonous voice startled most of the occupants in the room with it's sudden input. Liz jumped, startled, and turned to stare at the stoic Norwegian sitting alone on the loveseat. "Before you ask, I've been sitting here the entire time. And happy birthday, I suppose," he added, not wavering from the monotonous, matter-of-fact tone of voice he always used.

"What are you doing hanging out with Ludwig and Feli?" Liz asked. She left Lovi out because he was hardly company in this state.

"Waiting for Arthur," Lukas replied. "He and I are going to discuss the impact of faeries on the behavior and development of trolls."

"Wow, really? What else are you going to talk about?"

"Feliciano, I wouldn't-"

"We'll probably bring up the subject of unicorns and the debate on the power of their horns."

"Can I come?" Feliciano asked excitedly.

"No," said Ludwig, Lovino, and Lukas in unison. Feliciano looked crestfallen.

"I'll see you all later," Liz said, slipping out of the room in hopes of finding some different company.

In the next room over, she found Alfred and Kiku playing video games, while Ivan and Yong Soo looked on. Of course, if you asked Liz, she would have said Ivan and Yong Soo weren't watching the screen so much as the gamers... but hey.

Alfred muttered a quick happy birthday when he noticed Liz, keeping his attention on the game. Kiku glanced up and said "Happy birthday, Eliza-san." and resumed tapping on his game controller. Ivan just stared with a creepy look on his face, while Yong Soo offered to give her a free birthday grope because Korea invented birthdays, April Fools Day, the X-Box, _and _strawberry gum, da~ze_!_ She declined his offer and headed for the next room.

* * *

"Happy birthday, Lizzy!" said a quiet voice once Liz stepped back into the hallway.

"It isn't my birthday, Lilli," Liz told young blonde, but smiled anyway. Liz then glanced around, somewhat surprised that she had been able to speak to Lilli this much without being harshly interrupted. Lilli's over-protective, trigger-happy big brother not hovering within arm's length of his sister – a rarity to say the least. In fact, he was nowhere in sight. "Where's Vash?"

"Bruder is chasing away Mr. Francis," Lilli informed her, a sweet smile on her face. "But Raivis and Peter asked me to join them in here." Lilli gestured toward the next door over from the gamers Liz had just left. Mingling in this room was the ever-friendly Katyusha, the shivering Raivis (who was secretly in love with Lilli) and the slightly-obnoxious Peter (who was not-so-secretly in love with Lilli), and the licorice-snarfing Emil (who _everyone_ knew was in love with Lilli – well, everyone but Vash and Lilli, but Vash's ignorance was in the best interest of all parties involved). As much as she liked Lilli, Katyusha, and even Emil, Liz didn't linger long in this room. Peter was making a rather big show of demonstrating his strength to Lilli, who wasn't even paying attention as she giggled with Emil over a bag of licorice. Maybe Lilli knew about Emil's crush after all...

* * *

Out in the hallway, Liz was nearly run over by a cussing blur of a wine-scented Italian. She watched Lovino disappear into the main room at the end of the hall before turning and entering the kitchen.

* * *

In here, Liz found another crowd. Matthew was setting a huge stack of pancakes on the table in front of four young women that Liz was absolutely certain she had never met before. The copper-haired one smiled and laughed adorably at Matthew. "Thanks for the pancakes!"

"No problem, Sarah," Matt said with a shy smile.

"Nyaa, pancakes~!" the youngest of the girls randomly shouted, reaching for the stack. The third girl swatted her hands away and smacked the younger girl's forehead with the palm of her hand.

"Patience, Becky. I swear, you're almost as bad as Matt when it comes to pancakes. Ask Autumn to pass them." The third girl smiled at Liz as she finished reprimanding her sister. "Would you like some pancakes?"

"Autty," Becky poked the girl with deep red hair in the shoulder repeatedly. "Pass the pancakes."

"Uh, no," Liz declined the pancake offer. "Thanks though."

"Are you sure, Lizzy? I made plenty," Matt told her.

"I'm sure."

"Oh you're Lizzy?" Sarah asked, popping her bubblegum. "Happy birthday, then."

"It's not..." Lizzy began, then decided to drop it. "Yeah thanks."

"Don't forget the maple syrup!" The Canadian man produced a bottle from seemingly nowhere. "And... I thought I sent the one kid for the strawberries? Is he coming back?"

"He'll come back," the third girl shrugged. "He can't really see with the skateboard in front of his face, so as soon as be bounces off the front door, he'll be right back up with your strawberries.

No sooner had the words left her mouth than a boy with dark hair and a blue t-shirt appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, clutching a skateboard to his face. In his free hand was a box of strawberries. "Back. You're welcome."

"Took you long enough, Skateboard Face," the first girl, Sarah, muttered, rolling her eyes. "You could put the skateboard down. Or at least trade it in for something with eye holes in it?"

The kid behind the skateboard might have grinned, but no one could see it. "The skateboard gives me X-Ray vision!"

"No it doesn't," intoned the third – still unnamed – girl drily.

"Totally does, Rae-Rae."

Oh look. A name.

"Don't ever call me that."

Or not.

"Rachel's right," agreed Autumn. "You don't have X-Ray vision; regardless of the skateboard."

"Autumn... quit crushing your only brother like that. Are you one of those people who enjoys stomping on kittens for fun?"

"That's _your_ hobby, Jackson, not mine."

"X-Ray vision," interrupted Sarah flatly. "Really, Jack? Really."

"How else would I know you're wearing light blue underwear, Sarah?"

Liz decided to leave before she became witness to the murder of one strange teenaged boy.

* * *

Recounting the events in her head, Liz thought she could finally answer Gilbert's question of the night. It didn't take her long to find him... she just followed the sound of obnoxious laughter and overbearing chirping to the main room and to Gilbert sitting in the corner with Francis and Antonio and Lovino.

Gilbert and Francis sat on opposite ends of the couch, while Toni on the floor, his back against the couch, his legs splayed out, and the expression of the happiest man on the planet spread across his face. That expression probably had something to do with the fact that Lovino was leaning up against Antonio, sound asleep – or passed out, which was probably the case, considering the now-empty wine bottle that was laying on the floor beside the pair.

Gilbert grinned when he saw Liz. "Hey! Lizzy! Did'ja figure out whose birthday party this is?"

"It's mine," Liz replied confidently. She was absolutely sure.

Gilbert snickered. "Way to be confident, babe. Except, your birthday is in... like... August."

"Yes, but today is April First. And it's just like _you_ to pull some stunt like this for April Fool's." Liz frowned and put her hands on her hips. "Why else would everyone be saying 'happy birthday' to me?"

Gilbert gave a sly grin. "Because it's April Fools, Lizzy."

Liz just stared at him until Francis poked Gilbert in the ribcage. "Mon ami, I believe the lady would like an explanation, oui?"

Gilbert rolled his eyes and sat down his beer. Liz finally had proof that miracles could and did happen every day. "It's like this Liz. The party isn't for you, it's for my homie Sarah. Did'ja meet Sarah? The crazy ginger with the weirdly creepy-yet-adorable laugh? She wanted pancakes, so I told her to find Matt. Her birthday is in a week or something, but I wasn't exactly sure when while planning this shindig, so I figured the first... covers the whole month. Everyone's wishing _you_ a happy birthday because it's April Fools and I wanted you to _think_ this party was me trying to prank you."

"How did you get them all to do that?" Toni wondered aloud, carding his fingers through the hair of one certain passed-out-drunk Italian.

"I paid 'em."

"You _paid_ everyone in the house to wish me a happy birthday?" Liz gave Gilbert a look that implied he was insane.

"I paid 'em in gum. Strawberry bubblegum, to be precise. Besides, it _is_ April Fools, so they were more than happy to help me out on this part."

"You paid them in gum."

"That's not the point, Liz, the point is that I won and now you must give me my prize!" Gilbert cackled and picked up his drink to take a swig.

Liz stared blankly at Gilbert for a few moments before suddenly pressing her mouth to his. In her head, she was, of course, timing the kiss. Only three seconds, right?.

_One Mississippi. Two Mississippi._

But somewhere between two Mississippi and three Mississippi, she lost count, and it was must closer to twenty Mississippi before Gilbert broke the kiss with a grin. "See, that wasn't so bad, eh Liz?"

Liz just swatted his shoulder with her hand, her cheeks a fiery pink, before she turned away to go find someone less... _Gilbert_... to talk to.

"Hey!" The kid with the skateboard face jumped out in front of Liz. Except it was now very much a broken skateboard, and the part still vainly clutched to his face revealed one blackened eye that used to be some shade of hazel. "Do you know where I can find some duct tape?"

* * *

_**Oh gawd, what did I just write?**_

_**This was horrible. I'll be the first to admit that. But hopefully you laughed, at least once.**_

_**First things first – I'd like to wish the HAPPIEST of birthdays to my friend, SarahTonin. Sarah, this one was for you. Obviously. You were in it. Oh, and I stalked your profile, can you tell? * creeper face***_

_**Look at that! Lifelong dream – fulfilled. I finally wrote myself into one of my stories!**_

_**Andmysisterandmyneighborandm yneighborssisterandmycoolint ernetfriend...**_

_**No, we're not canon. And I doubt we ever will be.**_

_**If you're wondering why I put my eleven year old neighbor in this fic (which we all know you're not wondering, I just like to add unnecessary information)... well, I put Becky in because – as unlikely as it seems – she is actually the one who cracked my writer's block for me, and being in a grateful mood, I granted her wish of being written into one of my stories. So... Thanks Bec.**_

_**Oh! And Korea. I've always wanted to write Korea. I didn't even really write Korea, I just mentioned him. I think I'm going to put him in 'A Hollywood Hit': the story that already contains WAAAAAY too many characters.**_

_**Anyway, I'm done rambling now. Happy birthday, Sarah, and happy April Fools Day to all you boss folks out there who took the time to read this. Sayonara!**_

_**-Jack**_


End file.
